A few days before Thursday, Dandrich had told me about turnabout. I was like, "Oh heeyy, sounds fun." He said he wanted to go, so I thought it'll be alright. I didn't know about the turnabout being the girls asked the guys..so that made my heart drop a bit. & Since I'm not allowed to go, I was getting mad. Then I was talking to Thomas on Thursday and I found Nikki wanted to ask Dandrich to the Turnabout. I got mad jealous and went all crazy on his ass about going and going with another girl. That was absolutely stupid of me to do. Then, Friday morning, I typed him a message about how I felt about that and stuff and I didn't answer his call because we usually talk to each other every morning when we wake up and night before we sleep. Then his mind started to get all rebellious and confused during school. I had typed in the message about Nikki wanting to go with Dandrich to Turnabout and I guess he thought about it during the first few periods. I texted Thomas asking him about Dandrich and if Nikki had asked during lunch. My heart was pounding badly, this time, in a bad way. Thomas had texted back saying, "Nikki asked Dandrich by writing on the board 'Will you go to the dance with me?' and he had said yes." I was sitting in the front of the class in Filipino 2, right next to Briana and my other friend, Mary. They had started to see me tear a bit because I could not handle what had happened. I shouldn't have been that worried, right? Well, it hurt like hell. The teacher was asking what was wrong and a few of my class mates started to stare at me. I did not want to cause a scene, so I automatically stopped and said I was 'fine'. All my friends were all asking what had happened to me. I told them about it. They all wanted to shove their umbrella's up Dandrich's and Nikki's ass. They were hella pissed off, same with me. Loved that they cared so much though. I couldn't think at all that day.
Then later, after school, went home, relaxed for a bit. Dandrich came online. Was I scared? I was absolutely scared as fuck. I did not know what his mind was thinking. We spoke to each other on the phone that night, talking about why I acted like that and how he was thinking. I did not know what else to do, we were dead silent on the phone. We didn't know how to handle the situation. I didn't want to lose him. He was terribly confused. So he suggested a break from each other. I didn't know what else to do, so I agreed with it. Thomas was asking me if that was all I could do and how he felt about what was happening. I broke down so badly on Friday night.
Our 'break' started on Saturday. I was trying so badly on not to think about him, but later that day, it didn't work out so well. I was sitting at my desk around 6PM, while Dandrich went to the movies with his friends. I broke down crying again because I didn't like the idea of the 'break' at all. So I texted Thomas about it, and I told him I was breaking down badly. Thomas came home later..I was a bit better, and he tried calling Dandrich asking which group of friends he was with. Luckily, he was with his best friend, Vince and other friends I could trust. So, Vince and Dandrich were talking about what had happened. Vince and Thomas were trying to help us because they didn't want me and him to break up, but then Dandrich was confused about everything. They tried talking to him about why he was acting confused. They tried to make me call him and say, "I love you" to him, but I didn't because I didn't know what was going on. His friends gave up after a while because he didn't want to respond. I then asked my friend what was going on. They told me that the girl (Nikki) was going to seduce Dandrich and steal him away from me.
Texts:
Vince: Did you talk to him?
Me: No, because I had no idea what was going on.
Vince: He still wants to be with you he just isn't a fan of your whole negative jealousy problem
Me: I know. I'm trying to stop that. I should have kept those thoughts to myself. =/
Vince: Yeah. He does think it's cute sometimes. You just could tell him you're sorry and I won't let it happen again. He doesn't have any game, so don't worry anyways. haha.
Me: Wait, how is me acting like that cute sometimes? O_o and I don't know how to say sorry and stuff without him thinking that I always blame myself when I really do mean I'm sorry.
Vince: He won't think that and you shouldn't think like that. Just say you're sorry for getting jealous and you don't want to be on a break.
Me: What is his mood right now? I'm kinda scared/shaken to even talk with him.
Vince: He's just a little confused. He won't even raise his voice. I mean like get mad if that's what you're worried about.
Me: Well..I don't know if I should call him, what to say and if he still needs space.
Vince: He never wanted space. He just didn't want you to get jealous. Do you think things will get better if you wait longer?
Me: No it won't. So should I tell him that I don't want a break, I'm sorry for acting like that, and I won't get jealous?
Vince: It would be the appropriate thing to say.
Me: One more question, does he want me to call..?
Vince: I think he does.
I called him later on to ask about what he felt and I said I don't want to be on break anymore. He kept saying 'Sorry', when I should have been the one to keep apologizing. We talked for a while, and he made me think for a bit.
Sunday, January 24, 2010; 12 AM+
Me: He's being unreasonable and thinks I'm better off with someone else because he thinks he's a player now. If I try to say something about just being with him, he doesn't like the idea of it because he might ruin my future. I just really want to be with him...*Sighs*Went on AIM:
Vince: Wait, he thinks he's a player? Haha really? Um he really isn't. Did you tell him you don't want anyone else?
Me: Yeah. He told me that he thinks about other girls and stuff. I asked him that if I didn't call and the girl tells him that they like him, would he have said yes? He said that he probably would try sneaking around and not tell me yet. Then he was saying that before he went out with me, he was just too shy to ask other girls out after his ex.
Vince: Joanna, I'm sorry, but he's just going to end up hurting you. He thinks he can do better but he can't. Nothing you or anyone else says is going to change that. Honey, you have to get on with your life.
Me: What do you mean he thinks he can do better, but he can't?
Vince: I mean you're great but according to what you told me, he wants to date other girls. Did I misinterpret?
Me: I think that's right. He said that he loves me, but he doesn't know if he's in love with me?
Vince: Well, it sounds like it's over. I'm sorry but you have to just get on with your life, don't let this hold you back..
Then he made it my decision to choose if I wanted to stay with him or not. It's like he didn't really care anymore about staying. Then he said, "I don't know if I'm even in love with you anymore.." I was trying to make my decision..but it had to wait.
whoajoannuhh 1:12 am
Out of all the people i've been with. I've never had these kinds of feelings for anyone until you. I fell for you. Had the best and worst times with you. Thinking of the past, you said you never felt this way about anyone before. Do you really want those feelings gone from us? If you're a player, you should've already broken up with me. If you say you think you love me, but not in love. Why didn't you just break up with me already instead of me making the decision? All the pointless, meaningless wasted time you've spent with me, thinking about me. Is it really getting to the point that we should just be friends? I don't want to give up on you, but you keep telling me stuff so you could push me away so I wouldn't get hurt in the end. I could take the hit later on if you truly don't love me anymore. But I'm unsure if you have feelings for me still that would want us to still be together. From what I heard with your ex's, you just gave up and didn't have those feelings anymore.
That's what I think right now.
danchoood 1:14 am
All I care about is what is better for you
I know I give up easy I know that I am weak
Which is why its probably better that you just leave me
I had some of the best times in my life with you
danchoood 1:17 am
Stop thinking theyre pointless because theyre not
I dont know what to feel
All I know is I just do terrible things to people
I dont care if people hate me anymore I accept that I agree with them
I wouldnt be surprised if you do the same
danchoood 1:20 am
I dont want those memories gone
whoajoannuhh 1:20 am
I don't want them gone either.
danchoood 1:21 am
I just dont know how its gonna work out
whoajoannuhh 1:21 am
Do you trust yourself?
danchoood 1:22 am
I have never trusted myself
with anything
whoajoannuhh 1:24 am
One question then.
Do you still want to be with me?
He then called me, telling me how he felt and how he wanted me to decide. He said he didn't care anymore, which worried me. The pressure of that decision was getting to me. I didn't even know how he felt, so how could I possibly decide?
Sunday, just kept debating in the morning. Went to my friend's house for a project. When American Canyon's lights went out. I panicked (Horribly scared of the dark) and called Dandrich, asking him how he was and what he was thinking, still confused. He was laying in bed all day, thinking. Hung up and just waited for Mariano's sister to come pick us up. Went home, still undecided. He called me, asking what I felt and asked what I was thinking. I warned him about my decision and decided to stay with him. He said, "I can't promise you that I can make you happy." he hardly told me about how he felt since he was still confused. Then we went to bed.
Monday Morning:
Called him, asking about how each other slept. Had to go, said 'bye.'
He asked if I still loved him.
I said, "I don't even know because of what you said to me."
We hung up.
He called back saying "Don't worry about anything..I love you" and I just went into utter silence, only saying 'bye' to him. Which terribly threw me off. I did not know what to think that day. I did not know if he was just saying it or he really meant it. My hopes were going up, but which I regret later on.
Monday night:
Argued if we had feelings anymore for each other anymore. He was still unsure of his feelings and asked "Should we even continue this anymore?" He had made me decided..AGAIN..I was tired of making the decision, why only me that had to do it? What happened to you? My mind was screwed up badly.
Tuesday:
After school, after badminton conditioning (Not in badminton conditioning anymore, sadly) I didn't know if I should break up or fix the situation slowly. Spoke on the phone and chatted online about it. Most of my friends were telling me I shouldn't even be treated this way. They were saying, "A guy should know what he wants. If he's doing this, does he truly love you? Etc. etc." I wanted him though, I could not, would not give up on him. So little faith did my friends have in us anymore. I then decided to go to his house to try talking to him. He wouldn't say much, still unsure. I was done, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle all the decisions when he doesn't even know what he wanted. It was like I was alone in the relationship. I did what I had to do...
I broke up with him 5:03 PM on January 26, 2010, at his house. While talking to him though, I felt nothing, was not mad, sad, or anything. Nothing was there. I tried to pressure him into really talking to me about how he truly felt. Nothing. I had said bye to him, and he had asked, "Could we still be friends..? Think about it.." I did not want to think at all. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I walked away and went to the truck. He had watched me walk out of his life, standing there, not doing anything to stop me. Oh, how badly did that hurt...Went home, started crying badly. I did not know what he was doing, but I thought I didn't give a fuck anymore. Later on though, he IM'd asking how I was doing and such. I had told him that we could become friends. I was lying to myself though because I did not want to be his friend. I wanted to be his girlfriend still, but did not want to lose him in my life. I did not want to ruin us again, even if we were just friends.
Part 1
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