Fallin'

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll call you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

Press 'Forward'

The week was going okay for us..so far..

Wednesday, February 10, 2010:
Found out that we got a 210/250 on the video project, and it was good! Fuck Garrison!
Went to play Tennis with a few of my friends.
Mom pissed me off though, I was utterly hungry.
Called him and napped for a while because I broke down a bit.
Thursday, February 11, 2010:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That was unexpected. I had to go to the orthodontist after school. Right when I was entering the car, leaving school, Dandrich called. He had said that he might go to Bethel with a few of his friends. On the way to Ortho, I was debating if I should go back to Bethel, or just leave them be. I took a chance and decided to go back to Bethel and wait there with a few of my friends. Had told a couple of them why I was back there. Hung out with me, walked around, and talked. I was getting nervous when they were almost there. I had no idea on how to act. I did not even know the reason for them going there. What the hell, I'll just go with it. While Maria and I were walking near the quad, I did not see them at first, but then I turned and they were there. It was Dandrich, Thomas and two of his friends I just met, Ronald and Johann. Walked around with them, showed them the softball area and such. I was kind of avoiding them in a way, but did not want to. I just didn't know how to act around him. Walked near the stairs, and had found that Badminton people were done with conditioning. Hugged a few of my friends while Dandrich and his friends just stood near the Freshmen lockers. While Maria and my other friends were occupied somewhere else, I went to them and just started talking to them. One of them pulled out Valentine's card, and I grabbed one. I was wondering what was in it, opened it, and had found that they wrote their number in it. Tried calling the one I had, figured out it was Thomas. Haha. Grabbed another it was Dandrich's. I didn't know what to do really, so I walked away with his as he stared at me, and I ripped it and dropped it all on the ground. Walked back and they were planning to give the other cards to girls. I watched as they 'tried' handing out a card to people. They tried handing it to Jenaci, but she refused. Then they had offered it to Lauren and she accepted with a confused/disgusted look on her face. A bit later, we walked to the front. I guess Johann was getting scared of the 'black' people just hanging around there, so I decided to move them somewhere else. After a while, they wanted to go home and I had told them I was going to walk home. Dandrich did not want to let me walk home, so he made Ronald drive me home. Arrived at my house, said 'bye' to them, and Dandrich got out of the car. I was getting a bit confused when he got out. He was just walking me to my front door. The others drove off and tried leaving with out him. He said, "Byeee! I'll see you Saturday~" and tried catching up to the car. Funny watching them try to leave him. Went inside the house and went to my room. Relaxed a bit and had texted my mom saying, "Back home now, went to Badminton conditioning, Allyson drove me home." What I did not realize was that Dandrich had told her that his friend drove me home because my parents were at his house talking to his parents. I was thinking, "Oh fuck, I'm getting in trouble." So I quickly texted my mom about his friend driving me back right after he had told me that. I got scared, so I went to go nap, hoping she would see me sleeping and not bothering/yelling at me. To my surprise, found my backpack in my room, and she was not mad at me at all. *Phew..*
Friday, February 12, 2010:
Alex D. came to Bethel! Lucky ass Vintage did not have school for Friday. So, she came during lunch, when I saw her, I was wearing my high-heeled boots and I ran towards her. Horribly ran, but I hugged her tightly. The last time I saw her was when me, Sarah, Jonathan, and Alex went to the mall together. Sighs. Alex went around to visit people with Marvin. I had found that Alex was coming with me after school. Yay! After school, debated if I wanted to go to the plaza. Looked for Alex and Marvin since they skipped 6th period. Don't know where they went. Then, my kuyas (Jon & Chris, Seniors) were walking towards me. I said 'Hi' to them and then Kuya Chris walked off and left me and Kuya Jon there, alone. I was kind of confusing about why he did that. Kuya Jon then asked, "Haha, I'm not good with this, I kept trying to get us alone, but people kept popping up...So, uhh..Even though I don't have roses and such, Will you be my Valentine's?" I said, "Sure." since he was my kuya and all. He was my second Valentine this year. First one is a secret. Hung out with friends for a while. Then we left when Marvin left. I wanted her to spend all the time she could with him. Asked my step dad to drive us to the plaza. Looked around Choice, Ross, Party City, and CVS. When we went to Party City, I was seriously trying to think what I should get Dandrich for Valentine's. I didn't want anything that romantic since we weren't together. I wanted something plain and simple. So I bought a balloon, white around the outside, red in the inside, shaped as a heart that said, "Happy Valentine's Day!" I also bought him his favorite Gummy Bears. That's all. Then we waited for Alex's dad to pick us up. We went to L&L, bought food, and then her dad dropped me home.
Saturday, February 12, 2010:
Dandrich came over to my house. Got ready and typed up a note for him for the Valentine's balloon and candy I was going to give him.

Here's the note:

Dear Dandrich,

Happy Valentine's Day! Even though we're not together, I still want you to know that I love you. You are truly my best friend and always will be. I don't want to lose you in my life. I want us to always keep contact with each other, even when we're busy, mad at each other, and many other things we go through. I want us to tell each other everything and not keep any secrets from each other. I know we keep telling each other to promise this, but I just felt like saying these things again to remind us. Honestly, I still think we're meant to be, but I guess that will have to wait, huh? But anyways, sorry if this isn't much, just wanted to let you know. Happy Valentine's Day again, Dandrich Patriarca. Love you!

From your Best Friend,
Joanna Fontecha

He was here, I was a little nervous. Opened the door, no one was there, and then he popped out from the side and bought me roses/flowers, they were white. I love roses. That made me incredibly happy. Gave the roses to my grandma so she could put them in a vase and she was telling me, "Why not chocolates? Huh! Haha." We went to my room. We sat there, watching TV for a bit. I was sitting on my bed, while he sat on the desk chair. Then he pulled out a paper, I was wondering what was that, until he unfolded part of it and it was a cootie catcher! I have not seen those in so long. So, he had asked me to play. I picked 'blue' and kept picking '8'. He was confused on how much times he had to do it, but eventually, I had to open it. I opened the flap and it had said, "Will you be my Valentine's?" I was extremely shocked. I did not expect that at all. I thought I had a feeling that he was going to ask Nikki for Valentine's. Boy, I was wrong. I kept asking him is he was serious. I did not want to believe it. Why? Because my hopes were going up badly. I had said, "Yes" though. When he was not looking at me, I had kissed him on the cheek because I thought it was sweet of him to ask me. Though, I felt like there was something wrong with all of this in the back of my mind. He supposedly wanted to go to dance off thing at Bethel that I did not know about until he had told me, but we did not go. We walked to Wardlaw Elementary. He did not want to walk at all because he was lazy. Lazy butt. We hardly spoke to each other on the way there. I wanted to talk, but I didn't know what to talk about. It felt awkward for me. We arrived at Wardlaw. I wanted to go on the swing set, but a couple people were already there. So, we walked to the back of the school and sat in the grassy area. I kept staring at the sky, and a bird that was just flying in one place. I did not know what I was thinking. I was wondering what he was thinking though. It was getting a bit windy, so I was kind of getting cold, but not really. He had noticed, and tried to off his flannel shirt to me so I could become warmer. I had said it was okay, but he kept on insisting. I got up, and walked away so he wouldn't put the shirt on me. I walked towards the swing set, got on, and just relaxed on it. I wondered where he had went, but I just kept on swinging. I heard him coming towards me, I just sat there, looking at the sky, and he had gently pushed me on the swings. I was quiet for a while when we were both on the swings. I was thinking it felt like we were together in a way when we were there, but not entirely. Part of 'us' was missing. He was asking if I was alright. I was alright, but I did not know how to act around him. Eventually, we were just talking normal again, and played around. Though, as we were playing around, he had kissed me on the cheek, two times. I had asked, "What was that for..?" trying not to blush or anything. He just said, "Because..pay back for earlier." He just held me and kept pushing me on the swings. As I did to him. We eventually had to head back though. Walked back, went through the Bethel parking lot, and up the hill. We then saw this car randomly pulling up in front of the street I live near. Then he was joking around saying, "Run! They're going to come towards us! They're going to shoot us!" I get scared easily because I do not like the idea of getting shot. So I clung on to him, like the baby I am. He kept saying 'Bam!' or something like that. I just squealed when he mentioned it every time. He held me while walking back to my house. I did not want him to let go at all, but we arrived at my house. Then we were just hanging out in my room. I sat next to him, he put his arm around me..I was getting shocked because of all this happening. We just watched Tv for 30 minutes and then he kept grabbing my nose and saying I was 'cute'. Then he looked at me, and kissed me. Then I kissed him back a few moments later. Then he asked why I did that. I had asked myself, "Why did I even do that when we're not together." Stupid me got myself sad because I don't even know what to think about 'us' anymore. He noticed and he kept thinking he ruined my valentine's for doing all that. He did not ruin Valentine's day at all, I loved it, even though we weren't together. We were then talking for an hour about what he thought and stuff and he was asking me, "Aren't you curious about being with other guys..?" and I told him I tried to think of other guys, but I couldn't. This was all spiraling in my head. I asked him the same, but he said he couldn't think of being with other girls. My mom came home, and I had to act like I was not crying at all. We were just sitting there, in the dark. I got up and greeted my mom when she came in. I was worried about Dandrich because he was just sitting there, I did not know what he was thinking. He seemed utterly lost to me. My mom kept asking questions to him, and I was getting irritated because I wanted her to leave, and I still had to talk with Dandrich. I forced my mom out of my room, and continued talking with him. As we sat there, we hardly knew what to do, how to act, what to say, I questioned him, he questioned me. Finally, he had said something that I have been wanting to hear for quite a while. He said, "..I love you...and you're my girlfriend..." I didn't know how to react. So, he wanted to get back together; he made his decision. I was still making my decision, I was taking all of what happened in. I did not want to answer too quickly. While I was still deciding, he had to leave. I sat there, thinking for a while on what I wanted really. What the strange thing was, a private number called. I answered and joked around on the phone with whoever was calling. Then I told Dandrich about it, and I made them call him. Funny, Funny.
Sunday, February 14, 2010:
Valentine's Day! What a lovely day. Called Dandrich in the morning. Said, "Happy Valentine's Day!" and spoke with him for a while. We randomly talked about scary stories about the Philippines. He then made me go to a wikipedia called 'Creepypasta'. Read a few stories to him on the phone. Later on, I kept on insisting if he could go to my house, but I guess he got in trouble and had to stay home. Sorry! Talked to him on the phone for a while and then I got ready to go to Briana's house. Arrived at Briana's house in the afternoon and watched Kristeen open her gifts from her friends. Went walking around, went to Springstowne and explored our old middle school. Oh, how have I missed those days. Went back to her house, played 'Band Hero' for a while. Hung out in her room and then I had to go home. Hella fun with Briana, Krista, Arvin and Mariano! Grabbed a lot of food from the party and headed home.
Monday, February 15, 2010:
I wanted to go to Dandrich's house since we couldn't spend time together for Valentine's Day. I was scared to ask my mom, but I did it anyways. Took a while for her to say yes, but I succeeded! Went to his house. Watched him eat food, and he kept trying to make me eat at least something. Played with Mattie for a bit. Aww, she's such a cutie! Went into his garage and played Ping Pong with him. I was horrible! He went to get his dad and he let me watch how they played Ping Pong. Pro status to both of them. Haha. Fun watching. I tried playing him again, and I was getting used to it. I liked playing Ping Pong, too addicting. Then a little after, we stopped playing, listened to the radio and sat on the couch. We stared at each other and kissed. He then asked me out again @1:35 PM. He loves me and I love him. We were officially finally back together. We made out a little bit and then his dad came in to get the laundry. Darn. They played again and I had to watch. I tweeted the time on when we got back together and Krista had texted me saying, "What does 1:35 mean!?" I had told her about what it meant. Krista and Briana called me while I was watching, just sitting there, and they screamed so badly on the phone, I had to move it away from my ear. I was smiling the entire time. Hung up. Continued watching them play and Dandrich's dad's friends came over. I just sat there while Dandrich kept playing with his dad and the friends. I was enjoying watching them play. Later on, we went to his room and just relaxed. He let me watch 'Degrassi', which I absolutely miss watching on TeenNick. Aww. Then he tried on his suit for me. Though, what sucked was that my stomach was horribly hurting. I just sat there, hoping my stomach would feel better. Eventually it did, he did some of his homework and then he got on the xbox. He played MW2 and I watched him. I kind of spoke to his friends on the mic and then played a bit. It was fun. When he turned off the xbox, we just sat on the bed and kissed each other for a bit. Then he tried holding my nose while kissing, I couldn't breathe, so I started laughing badly. I did the same to him. He then showed me a video on 'How NOT to Kiss', which I found funny. He tried doing some of those stuff that the guy did on the video and we could not stop laughing. I had to leave though. I loved that day, it was fun, relaxing and I loved being with him again.

So here we are, back together again. I love you, always remember that, even if we do have differences sometimes.

Quotes:

"It's not like I wanted to give up on us, but you stopped fighting to keep us together a long time before I did."

“Her biggest fear was that one day he would say ‘I want you back.’ She would break down in tears trying to think of a way to explain she is still too heartbroken from the last time and she’s still not ready to lose everything again.”

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no-one but yourself and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

Part 3

Aftermath

A few days after, I was horribly hurting. I could not get over him. Every time I thought of the word 'friends' it had hurt my heart. Thinking of how it used to be together, I could not comprehend. Good thing the following days were kind of a busy schedule for me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010:
Went to Krista's house!
Thursday, January 28, 2010:
New Glasses + Contacts! (Finally) HD! HD VISION!
Saturday, January 30, 2010:
Went to Krista's house.
Safeway with her and her cousin.
Ordered Pizza.
Briana, Briana's sisters, Mariano, Joyvey came over.
Procrastinated and did some of the video.
Sunday, January 31, 2010:
Joyvey's house next!
Krista, Me, Mariano, Adam, and Daniel were there.
Having fun watching them act.
Loved the food. Nom.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010:
What the hell, I broke down crying on the phone because of you. I fell a part, thinking about you again. How sad am I? I told him over and over how I truly felt. It felt like nothing is going through him, like he had no feelings for me back anymore. He had asked me about what if someone had asked me out? I was wondering why this all of a sudden. He had told me that he wanted to ask out Nikki. I was asking him if he really felt anything for her. His response, "I don't know." I was giving up. I had said, "Go ask out Nikki! Bye, I'll talk to you later.." and dramatically hung up. I broke down crying. Few seconds later, he had called me. He called several times until I picked up the phone. I ended up saying, "I hate you! I hate you! I don't care anymore!" and kept crying on the phone. He did not want to leave me like that. He tried to calm me down. Stopped crying after a while. Realized something. Maybe, just maybe it was going to do something. So, I had suggested that we completely just stop talking to each other for two days until he came over to my house on Saturday. It was going to be hard avoiding talking to him, but I have to deal. Plan was to make him realize some what of what he'll miss if he does not talk to me at all. Maybe pull out more of how he truly felt. We were just talking until one because if we hung up then, we would have to wait until Saturday to talk with each other then. We wanted the talking to last, but we had to go sleep.
Thursday, February 4, 2010:
Ahh! The pure torture! His voice that I could not hear in the morning! I'm that attached to him. School kept me occupied. After school, it was rainy. Oh, how I hate the rain, the gloomy weather, the wind that messes up my hair that I fixed up. I went with my parents to the mall, and I was utterly bored. I would usually call him, but I couldn't. I just walked around, thinking about the many things running through my head. Went to go get my eyes examined because of the contacts that I received. After a while, I kind of forgot that my mother gave me her umbrella, and I had put it in my bag. My mind was completely lost. So, when I was speaking to my mom while walking around, I had mentioned that I did not have the umbrella. She suddenly became mad and panicked about her umbrella. Her mood was pissed off. I then realized that my bag was a bit heavier, so I opened it, and the umbrella was in there. I had told her, but then she was still pissed off and yelled at me. I didn't know how to react because I was about to cry. I walked away quickly, and went to the couches in the mall where you could relax. I sat there, and broke down completely. I was too stressed from everything, I just wanted to punch a wall. My parents found me and we sat there for 15 minutes. I did not know what to say, so I just looked away the whole entire time. We finally got up, and went to get my step dad's glasses. My mom had asked if I wanted to eat at 'Red Robins' and so we went. Got there, ordered, and she had asked if I could ask Dandrich about something. So, I had to text/call him later. I became a little happier when I had to do that. We ate, went home, and I called him. Spoke for a few minutes, and then hung up. Not much response.
Saturday, February 6, 2010:
Dandrich was coming over today. I was feeling utterly scared. I did not know what to do, say, or think. I didn't know how he was going to react either, but I thought, "Hell, I'll just go with it." Told him to bring his xbox controller and a few games. He was there, in front of my doorstep. After 2 weeks not seeing him, my heart just melted away. Uh oh, this was not going to be good. He had brought the games 'F.E.A.R' & 'Borderlands'. We played 'F.E.A.R.' first, and I was getting scared. Stupid girl scaring the crap out of me, damn. He watched as I played, chuckled when I got scared, and then we switched to 'Borderlands'. Good thing it was two player because I felt really awkward when he was just watching me play. We both played for a while and had fun. Later on, we stopped playing, I sat on the floor, while he sat on my bed. He played music on the xbox, while I was just staring at the random things in my room. My mind started to lose it. I could not think anymore, I started to breathe heavily. I took my phone and walked outside in the front and sat on the bench. I broke down crying. I did not want my neighbors to start staring, so I went to the backyard and sat on the swing set. I continued crying, listening to music and just stared off into space. I went back inside a few moments later because it was getting terribly cold. I went back to my room, sat on the floor again, tearing. He sat next to me, asking what was wrong. I did not respond. My mind was too in shock of him being there. I never broke down in front of him, so he did not know what to say really. He had asked me why this all of a sudden, why I was crying, how I felt. I told him that he was the only one to ever break my heart. I continued crying. He then held me and told me about his true feelings. He still loved and cared for me deeply. He thinks I'm the right one for him. But he did this all to try and see if his feelings will become stronger and we'll be together later on if we realize it. It still sounds kind of messed up for him doing that, but I don't think his feelings will change much for me. I was just worried he'll get attached to another girl, but we'll see. We started kissing at the time too for the last time as we thought. We both still have feelings for each other. We were officially over for now, but we're going to see if our feelings will grow stronger if we date other people because we're still young, and if we are right for each other, then we'll be together again one day. He was telling me about if I do hate him, do I have any feelings for him still. I told him that I didn't hate him. Then he was telling me that the last two days without talking to me was killing him. We just hung around my room after a bit, holding hands, kissing still, and such. Then he had to leave. Those last few moments with him, that was the one I loved, the one I've been missing for a few weeks..
Sunday, February 7, 2010:
Got up, spoke to each other on the phone. We were actually talking to each other normally now. I liked that. I had to work on the video all that day, but I wanted to talk with him more. So, the day flew by, procrastinated a bit on working on the video. We webcammed for a while because he had asked. I was kind of surprised, I don't really know why. Webcammed/mic'd with each other. It was Superbowl Sunday! So, we both watched it. Supposedly he was going to go to a friend's house to watch it, but he didn't. I love the commercials though, funnyyy. As we watched, we had an idea, we were going to bet each other. Uh oh. It was Saints VS. Colts. Colts were ahead by about 8, and I thought they were going to win. My intentions were wrong. Haha. We had a bet that whoever lost has to call the other person every time for a month. I had suggested to pay for the movies and such for a bet, but he didn't want me to use money. I had lost the bet, so now I had to call him. Me, calling him every morning to wake up and night before we sleep. He usually did it majority of the time. We had fun watching it, I screamed so badly when I lost. Victory for you, ehh?! Well, when it was done, I had to finish up the video project. He tried to stay up with me on the phone, but I kept telling him to sleep. I thought it was really sweet of him for staying up with me, or at least trying. He fell a sleep, so I just put the phone on the charger and left it on speaker. While I was working on it though, the phone had died for him, I guess. I continued working, hoping to finish. There was a 'slight' error when I was doing the video though. Part of the clip kept closing 'Sony Vegas' and it was scaring me. When I tried opening it again though, all the clips did not work. I was on the verge of tearing. I tried my best to revive it. I seriously broke down and tried calling Dandrich. I kept thinking, "Fuck my life! Fuck my life over and over again! Shit!" It was 12 AM, and I thought of a way to get my project back, I deleted the part of the clip that kept screwing up the whole entire thing. Hallelujah!!! It worked! Got back the majority of the video project. Rushed in finishing in. My eyes were dead tired. I went to go sleep. Stress, stress, stress.

Part 2

Once Upon a Time..

So, it alllll started 3 weeks ago, on a Thursday...
A few days before Thursday, Dandrich had told me about turnabout. I was like, "Oh heeyy, sounds fun." He said he wanted to go, so I thought it'll be alright. I didn't know about the turnabout being the girls asked the guys..so that made my heart drop a bit. & Since I'm not allowed to go, I was getting mad. Then I was talking to Thomas on Thursday and I found Nikki wanted to ask Dandrich to the Turnabout. I got mad jealous and went all crazy on his ass about going and going with another girl. That was absolutely stupid of me to do. Then, Friday morning, I typed him a message about how I felt about that and stuff and I didn't answer his call because we usually talk to each other every morning when we wake up and night before we sleep. Then his mind started to get all rebellious and confused during school. I had typed in the message about Nikki wanting to go with Dandrich to Turnabout and I guess he thought about it during the first few periods. I texted Thomas asking him about Dandrich and if Nikki had asked during lunch. My heart was pounding badly, this time, in a bad way. Thomas had texted back saying, "Nikki asked Dandrich by writing on the board 'Will you go to the dance with me?' and he had said yes." I was sitting in the front of the class in Filipino 2, right next to Briana and my other friend, Mary. They had started to see me tear a bit because I could not handle what had happened. I shouldn't have been that worried, right? Well, it hurt like hell. The teacher was asking what was wrong and a few of my class mates started to stare at me. I did not want to cause a scene, so I automatically stopped and said I was 'fine'. All my friends were all asking what had happened to me. I told them about it. They all wanted to shove their umbrella's up Dandrich's and Nikki's ass. They were hella pissed off, same with me. Loved that they cared so much though. I couldn't think at all that day.
Then later, after school, went home, relaxed for a bit. Dandrich came online. Was I scared? I was absolutely scared as fuck. I did not know what his mind was thinking. We spoke to each other on the phone that night, talking about why I acted like that and how he was thinking. I did not know what else to do, we were dead silent on the phone. We didn't know how to handle the situation. I didn't want to lose him. He was terribly confused. So he suggested a break from each other. I didn't know what else to do, so I agreed with it. Thomas was asking me if that was all I could do and how he felt about what was happening. I broke down so badly on Friday night.
Our 'break' started on Saturday. I was trying so badly on not to think about him, but later that day, it didn't work out so well. I was sitting at my desk around 6PM, while Dandrich went to the movies with his friends. I broke down crying again because I didn't like the idea of the 'break' at all. So I texted Thomas about it, and I told him I was breaking down badly. Thomas came home later..I was a bit better, and he tried calling Dandrich asking which group of friends he was with. Luckily, he was with his best friend, Vince and other friends I could trust. So, Vince and Dandrich were talking about what had happened. Vince and Thomas were trying to help us because they didn't want me and him to break up, but then Dandrich was confused about everything. They tried talking to him about why he was acting confused. They tried to make me call him and say, "I love you" to him, but I didn't because I didn't know what was going on. His friends gave up after a while because he didn't want to respond. I then asked my friend what was going on. They told me that the girl (Nikki) was going to seduce Dandrich and steal him away from me.

Texts:

Vince: Did you talk to him?
Me: No, because I had no idea what was going on.
Vince: He still wants to be with you he just isn't a fan of your whole negative jealousy problem
Me: I know. I'm trying to stop that. I should have kept those thoughts to myself. =/
Vince: Yeah. He does think it's cute sometimes. You just could tell him you're sorry and I won't let it happen again. He doesn't have any game, so don't worry anyways. haha.
Me: Wait, how is me acting like that cute sometimes? O_o and I don't know how to say sorry and stuff without him thinking that I always blame myself when I really do mean I'm sorry.
Vince: He won't think that and you shouldn't think like that. Just say you're sorry for getting jealous and you don't want to be on a break.
Me: What is his mood right now? I'm kinda scared/shaken to even talk with him.
Vince: He's just a little confused. He won't even raise his voice. I mean like get mad if that's what you're worried about.
Me: Well..I don't know if I should call him, what to say and if he still needs space.
Vince: He never wanted space. He just didn't want you to get jealous. Do you think things will get better if you wait longer?
Me: No it won't. So should I tell him that I don't want a break, I'm sorry for acting like that, and I won't get jealous?
Vince: It would be the appropriate thing to say.
Me: One more question, does he want me to call..?
Vince: I think he does.

I called him later on to ask about what he felt and I said I don't want to be on break anymore. He kept saying 'Sorry', when I should have been the one to keep apologizing. We talked for a while, and he made me think for a bit.

Sunday, January 24, 2010; 12 AM+

Me: He's being unreasonable and thinks I'm better off with someone else because he thinks he's a player now. If I try to say something about just being with him, he doesn't like the idea of it because he might ruin my future. I just really want to be with him...*Sighs*
Vince: Wait, he thinks he's a player? Haha really? Um he really isn't. Did you tell him you don't want anyone else?
Me: Yeah. He told me that he thinks about other girls and stuff. I asked him that if I didn't call and the girl tells him that they like him, would he have said yes? He said that he probably would try sneaking around and not tell me yet. Then he was saying that before he went out with me, he was just too shy to ask other girls out after his ex.
Vince: Joanna, I'm sorry, but he's just going to end up hurting you. He thinks he can do better but he can't. Nothing you or anyone else says is going to change that. Honey, you have to get on with your life.
Me: What do you mean he thinks he can do better, but he can't?
Vince: I mean you're great but according to what you told me, he wants to date other girls. Did I misinterpret?
Me: I think that's right. He said that he loves me, but he doesn't know if he's in love with me?
Vince: Well, it sounds like it's over. I'm sorry but you have to just get on with your life, don't let this hold you back..
Then he made it my decision to choose if I wanted to stay with him or not. It's like he didn't really care anymore about staying. Then he said, "I don't know if I'm even in love with you anymore.." I was trying to make my decision..but it had to wait.

Went on AIM:

whoajoannuhh 1:12 am
Out of all the people i've been with. I've never had these kinds of feelings for anyone until you. I fell for you. Had the best and worst times with you. Thinking of the past, you said you never felt this way about anyone before. Do you really want those feelings gone from us? If you're a player, you should've already broken up with me. If you say you think you love me, but not in love. Why didn't you just break up with me already instead of me making the decision? All the pointless, meaningless wasted time you've spent with me, thinking about me. Is it really getting to the point that we should just be friends? I don't want to give up on you, but you keep telling me stuff so you could push me away so I wouldn't get hurt in the end. I could take the hit later on if you truly don't love me anymore. But I'm unsure if you have feelings for me still that would want us to still be together. From what I heard with your ex's, you just gave up and didn't have those feelings anymore.
That's what I think right now.
danchoood 1:14 am
All I care about is what is better for you
I know I give up easy I know that I am weak
Which is why its probably better that you just leave me
I had some of the best times in my life with you
danchoood 1:17 am
Stop thinking theyre pointless because theyre not
I dont know what to feel
All I know is I just do terrible things to people
I dont care if people hate me anymore I accept that I agree with them
I wouldnt be surprised if you do the same
danchoood 1:20 am
I dont want those memories gone
whoajoannuhh 1:20 am
I don't want them gone either.
danchoood 1:21 am
I just dont know how its gonna work out
whoajoannuhh 1:21 am
Do you trust yourself?
danchoood 1:22 am
I have never trusted myself
with anything
whoajoannuhh 1:24 am
One question then.
Do you still want to be with me?

He then called me, telling me how he felt and how he wanted me to decide. He said he didn't care anymore, which worried me. The pressure of that decision was getting to me. I didn't even know how he felt, so how could I possibly decide?
Sunday, just kept debating in the morning. Went to my friend's house for a project. When American Canyon's lights went out. I panicked (Horribly scared of the dark) and called Dandrich, asking him how he was and what he was thinking, still confused. He was laying in bed all day, thinking. Hung up and just waited for Mariano's sister to come pick us up. Went home, still undecided. He called me, asking what I felt and asked what I was thinking. I warned him about my decision and decided to stay with him. He said, "I can't promise you that I can make you happy." he hardly told me about how he felt since he was still confused. Then we went to bed.
Monday Morning:
Called him, asking about how each other slept. Had to go, said 'bye.'
He asked if I still loved him.
I said, "I don't even know because of what you said to me."
We hung up.
He called back saying "Don't worry about anything..I love you" and I just went into utter silence, only saying 'bye' to him. Which terribly threw me off. I did not know what to think that day. I did not know if he was just saying it or he really meant it. My hopes were going up, but which I regret later on.
Monday night:
Argued if we had feelings anymore for each other anymore. He was still unsure of his feelings and asked "Should we even continue this anymore?" He had made me decided..AGAIN..I was tired of making the decision, why only me that had to do it? What happened to you? My mind was screwed up badly.
Tuesday:
After school, after badminton conditioning (Not in badminton conditioning anymore, sadly) I didn't know if I should break up or fix the situation slowly. Spoke on the phone and chatted online about it. Most of my friends were telling me I shouldn't even be treated this way. They were saying, "A guy should know what he wants. If he's doing this, does he truly love you? Etc. etc." I wanted him though, I could not, would not give up on him. So little faith did my friends have in us anymore. I then decided to go to his house to try talking to him. He wouldn't say much, still unsure. I was done, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle all the decisions when he doesn't even know what he wanted. It was like I was alone in the relationship. I did what I had to do...
I broke up with him 5:03 PM on January 26, 2010, at his house. While talking to him though, I felt nothing, was not mad, sad, or anything. Nothing was there. I tried to pressure him into really talking to me about how he truly felt. Nothing. I had said bye to him, and he had asked, "Could we still be friends..? Think about it.." I did not want to think at all. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I walked away and went to the truck. He had watched me walk out of his life, standing there, not doing anything to stop me. Oh, how badly did that hurt...Went home, started crying badly. I did not know what he was doing, but I thought I didn't give a fuck anymore. Later on though, he IM'd asking how I was doing and such. I had told him that we could become friends. I was lying to myself though because I did not want to be his friend. I wanted to be his girlfriend still, but did not want to lose him in my life. I did not want to ruin us again, even if we were just friends.

Part 1